he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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