My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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