maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
