I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
