I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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