even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
