Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
