tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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