do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
