Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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