Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
