You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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