She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
