he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
