I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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