i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
