why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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