today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
