He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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