take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
