Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
