Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
