I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
