I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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