It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
FUCK WHALES
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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