i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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