man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
