i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
