hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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