You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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