The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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