her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
