The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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