My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
