The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
