He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
