i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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