I think I died a long time ago.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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