I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
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"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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