It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
