I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
