i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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