So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
