Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
