I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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