I will die if light touches me.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
