not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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