So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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