I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
