She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
