you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
