dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
