you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
