The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
