You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
