Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
