My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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