then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
